If it isn’t a tragedy enough to lose her, let’s all remember that she wanted us to be happy and to continue living even after she’s gone. I want to put it on paper what her life was like before she reached the blinding end of a dark, twisted tunnel, with little bits of glitters and rainbows on the sides.
He was my sweetest secret, and he was a reckless one too. It only bothers me now that we’ve grown apart, because while I had the best times of my life with him, none of my friends knew him, and I knew none of his. It was easy to make myself think that whatever adventures we had was all just a figment of my imagination. But some memories – no matter how faded – can never truly disappear. He left a good scar for me never to forget anyway.
An excerpt from my short story: Chasing Memories
If only she hadn’t disregarded him, then maybe they would have still been best of friends.
If only she hadn’t fallen for his mixed signals, then maybe she hadn’t needed to go.
If only she swallowed her pride, then maybe she wouldn’t have crossed the burning bridge.
But she kept herself rigid and strong because she couldn’t afford to lose her sanity too.
She walked out from him because she couldn’t let him think she was quick to fall in love.
She kept him out because it was easy to feign ignorance from afar than to act happy in front of him.
One day, they meet again.
It wasn’t easy, but she learned to unhide her agony while he listened.
It was devastating, but she decided to break the silence and accept:
She was worth the friendship, yes.
But to him, she wasn’t worth the fight.
It was just never going to be her that he will choose.
So the question goes:
Does she stay for good and fake happiness until it becomes real?
Or does she leave again while it’s only half-hurting?
I remembered my friend telling me how you wanted me to fall for you, and when I did, how you would break my heart into pieces just as how I easily did so to other people’s innocent souls, perhaps including your own. I remembered laughing telling her that would never happen, that you could try all your might only to fail. She would never wake up to a phone call where I would be musing for a lost cause in the middle of the night. I remembered saying all those things too well. I couldn’t remember when I ate all those words up. Continue reading
We became friends again.
I should be happy about this news, but the happiness I’ve been feeling because of it had always been so short-lived. One minute I’m glad we talked, the next I’d be down and regretting for not having asked more questions. I ended up having more what ifs than check marks on my wonder checklist. Continue reading
You think that certain number of days isn’t enough to read over stalled books and marathon on good series you’ve missed. One would think getting a month-long break from school isn’t that many of days to catch up with old friends from a semester of absence. If you really think about it though, it is enough. If you have all the hearts and time to it, it’s manageable. It would be majestic, even. Continue reading
I was the type of girl people got curious about, the type of girl that others wanted to be. I was the perfect type of girl, the all-rounder, people would say. I was smart, talented and artistic, they would complement. In the end, people were only just curious on who I was. I still didn’t know exactly why, but a lot of people have come and went away for me to think it wasn’t so. After getting to know every curve and crevices of me, filling the empty spaces up for me to hold on to, people would leave me, empty. Continue reading
It was good while it lasted.
To keep myself from locking doors and lurking in shadows, I say this to myself like a mantra every time it tries to enter my core, wanting to devour my mind. I feel so sorry for myself it ended this way, but your existence was too strong for me to just leave in a corner and let wander. It’s not even a question of letting go and not being able to do so, you see. I did try. I tried so hard to accept the things as they are now, but it wasn’t just easy. It could be that I stopped trying and pushing to forget when it was getting painful and scarring. The thing is that while it might be true, it simply never left my mind to want to have us back to the start, back to when we were still strangers. Although it’s this, I admit to want it back for real someday too.
I’m pretty lost right now, maybe even mad. One thing is still plausible though. While I might have turned into smoke and shadows of memories of you, I still want you to find me. It will be hard, but I’d really like to see you try, even just for the heck of it.
Because honestly? I don’t want you to be my muse anymore, especially when you don’t even know it.
There are times that I wonder about the future. Times when I couldn’t sleep and thoughts run inside my head, or times when I’m all alone in my room wanting to do something other than schoolwork. How would I be then? Will I be successful? Will I be contented? Will I be happy? I question myself all these because I needed assurance that I’ll be okay, that I’ll get better, and that in the future maybe I could already have patched myself together.
I hated that I couldn’t detach myself from you. I hated that every move I make is still under the influence of you. I hated that you are still a part of me, but I am no longer of you. How do I get rid myself of you? Sometimes I ask the heavens, only to have it pouring ice, cold rainwater down on me. I have yet to understand if it’s laughing over my misery or sympathizing with how I am left to be. What’s cruelly left of me. And maybe it’s all too superficial. Maybe I am in denial. But always, you see, do I still wait for you to come crashing back to me. Like waves crippling by the shore, or like lightning hitting the hard ground. In the most extreme ways, I still wait for you to remember me. Even when you have already long forgotten me.